In 1914 after the surrender of the Germans in World War one, dejected German citizens turned to cannibalism and inbreeding. The sanctions from the Treaty Of Versailles crippled the once powerful nation, forcing them into 20 years of economic depression, and probably shyster porn. Some of the more retarded and vile of these people traveled back in time to 1903. They formed a Pacific Coast Minor league team named the Los Angeles Angels. The reasoning for this name later inspired Hitler to search for stupid occult crap like you see in the Non-Fictional work of Dr. Jones in the documentary classic series Indiana Jones. With Hitler running the team during the late 30’s and early 40’s the Angels were a secret covert operation of Nazi spies. They are likely the instigators of such devious tricks as McCarthyism, devious, I know. After the fall of the Nazi’s in 1944, Hitler’s spirit was caught via a lasso by Gene Autry.

In 1961 the American League under the influence of the counter Mafia tactics of the Kennedy administration had to act. They forced the American League to expand to Los Angeles after the PCL team became some Salt Lake city minor league team. Gene Autry now mad with the power of Hitler’s soul was convinced into owning the team. During their first season, after all the players had sold their souls to Satan, they finished with the highest winning percentage of any MLB expansion team ever. The record still stands until this very day due to the forces of pure evil. The extended powers of the Dark Lord put them in contention in both 1962 (3rd place) and 1963 (5th Place). The O’Maley family, long time owners of the Dodgers, used the force to try and expel the un-holy alliance from Los Angeles by charging them a metric fuck ton of cash. Temporarily vanquished Hitler’s soul suggested a move to Anaheim, and changed their name to The California Angels. This was an especially evil trick as it is close to Cauliflower, which enjoyment of is a sign of the Anti-Christ. More success followed, until they demons working in the ticket office started to become unnerved and spontaneously combust. The 1969 “Miracle” Mets and their “Hope” and qualities were unnerving the whole organization. Clearly something had to be done to keep the Hitler/Satan combination working. The Cubs were sacrificed via Black Cat, and the return was the Mets gave up Nolan Ryan for a roll of toilet paper and a broken lighter.

In 1979 the Angels finally reached the playoffs, finally breaking the pact that was set in place, Nolan Ryan escaped via Free Agency. The 80’s were a hard time for the Angels, as the Brewers with two cleverly hidden Arch Angels (Who the hell would look in Milwaukee?) Paul Moliter and Robin Yount defeated them before they could reach the World Series. In 1986, still in recoil from the toilet paper and broken lighter the Mets found a passage in Egyptian text on how to send ghosts into Hell. There was collateral damage, as Bill Buckner was used as fuel to perform this devious trick, with the Mets having to ingest amounts of alcohol and cocaine yet unimagined, also they had to punch people in bars for some strange reason. Dave Henderson’s homerun crippled Hitler, and cast him into Hell finally. The demon spawn known as Donnie Moore eventually shot his wife and them himself due to his failures to the Dark Lord. All was good for a long while….

1995 rolled around and the Mets curse seemed to fade as the remaining members of the Mets got sober. The Angels tore out of the gate and lead the AL West by 13 games before Gooden and Strawberry united in a single drug binge large enough to bring the Mariners’ back all the way and on the last day defeat the Angels. Ken Griffey Jr.’s sacrifice of his hamstring after 5 more years had done the trick. The Angels had only one recourse without Hitler, The Disney Corporation.

After testing many various rituals Disney was able to figure out the most evil plan of all. The Rally Monkey was cast from the river Styx by the fuel of a thousand tortured souls. With his higher level powers of wrath and chaos he was able to turn the tables on the side of good and the Angels won the 2002 World Series. With their evil plan come to fruition Disney sold the Angels to Arte Moreno (This means animal rapist in Spanish).

Animal Rapist renamed the team to the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim, since the once powerful O’ Malley’s had sold the Dodgers to an equally evil shitwheel, Rupert Murdoch. Using his Hispanic heritage Animal Rapist lured various Dominican players into his trap with various mind controlling phrases discovered in the late 90’s such as “Essssss SO REEEEEEAL.” After the failure to trick the now deposed “Hero of Time” Miguel Tejada into his Dominican soul trap, he just went for the roided up Gray Mathews Jr. Mathews is famous for masterminding the World Trade Center attacks and being cut by every other team in MLB, the NFL, and the WNBA. Animal Rapist plans on adding more and more names to the Angels’ name until he controls the entire world, and can rape every animal. (Including a Kimono Dragon)

~Obviously an A’s fan.

Labels: Los Angeles Angels, Totally True Stuff, Worst Team Ever