To celebrate opening day, I'm going to blog while watching the Cubs and Reds. Instead of watching the ESPN2 feed, I'm going to watch WGN, the Cubs' flagship station. It should be a gas.

1:00 PM CST-1:10

In the first ten minutes, WGN shows two hilarious clips. First up, we get to see Cubs players talking about their World Series aspiration. Basically, it was bench players yapping about expectations with the occasional Derek Lee cameo. I don't remember exactly what he said, but I think it was something along the lines of, "World Series? Yeah, I've already won one of those. Remember that? Remember Steve Bartman? Yeah, I played for the other team. I just got an assload of cash to come here. So, World Series? Sure, why not? It's not that hard is it?"

Then, that is followed up by a clip about Carlos Zambrano set to the tune of Christina Aguilera's "Ain't No Other Man." High comedy. Basically just showing him screaming alot and rumbling around the base paths. No footage of him threatening to leave after the season if he doesn't get his contract.

1:15 PM

First pitch! And Soriano hacks through it. He goes on to ground out on a little tapper back to Aaron Harang. 7 suicides are reported in Chicago already.

Matt Murton then strikes out, before Derek Lee walks and then promptly attempts to steal a base where he is gunned down. Bring on that World Series, eh?

1:23 PM

Zambrano walks leadoff hitter Ryan Freel. Chaos is breaking out in Chicago. This can't be happening? Where's Bartman?! He's to blame for this!

Uh-oh. Adam Dunn just blasted a two run home run off of Zambrano. 2-0 Reds. Riots are in full gear in the Windy City.

Now let's see if Zambrano comes back and tries to decapitate the next hitter. He's known for attempting it.

Nope. No decapitation attempt. There's still time though. That Carlos Zambrano is one crazy mofo.

I think it is funny. The WGN announcers are talking about how "this park will not hold Adam Dunn often." As if the park had anything to do with that. Dunn CLOBBERED that ball. It wasn't even close.

After striking out Brandon Phillips, new right fielder Ken Griffey, Jr. is stepping up to the plate. And he gets a base hit. No word on if his hamstring has exploded yet. Couple more outs later and we are done with the first inning. Reds lead 2-0, as panic reigns surpreme in Chi-Town.

I'll be posting more after the second inning.

1:30 PM

A Pete Rose sighting! He's in attendance today. He's enjoying this afternoon's game with his bookie. He's wearing some spectacular shades too. Regardless if he never gets reinstated into baseball, he is sure as hell bringing sexy back with those things.

Ramirez pops out to center. Aaron Harang is going to no hit the Cubbies. I'm calling it right now.

You know, I have to admit. It is going to be fun watching the potent mix of Lou Pinella, Carlos Zambrano, and the Cubs fans. Especially if the team is about 20 games out by July. Can you imagine the possible storylines coming out of Wrigley? I mean, I cannot wait until the day that the lead headline on Sportscenter is how Sweet Lou and Big Z went around and started punting bases at the umpires. That would be a Youtube classic fo' sho'.

By the way, three up, three down, and the Cubs are being no hit after two. Looks like I'm on my way to being right, folks.

1:38 PM

I'm seeing all of this red in the crowd in Cincy today. I'm pretty sure everyone thinks it is the national championship game between Ohio State and Florida. "Wow! This basketball is great! I mean, we all know that nothing matters until football rolls around, but I tell you what. I can get into this basketball thing. What? This is called base....baseball? Really....huh. Interesting."

Uneventful inning. Three up, three down. Zambrano is slowly waiting to pelt someone with a fastball. That or get back to his hotel room so he can chat on the internet for 6 hours or whatever he is known for. Regardless, after two it is still Reds 2-0.

1:45 PM

So here comes Mark DeRosa. A guy who got WAY too much money this offseason. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't get a hit this season. I mean, he is set for life, right?

Well, balls. There goes the no hit bid on both accounts. Harang gives up a hit and DeRosa apparently decides he's not going to take it easy this year. You heard it here first...Mark DeRosa for NL MVP, as well as World Series MVP. He looks like he is going to have to carry this Cubs team this year. *

*Note: Sarcasm*

Adam Dunn actually caught a ball in the outfield! I'm going to flip over to ESPNews to see if they are reporting this breaking story. Nope. Just more NFL Draft coverage. And Mel Kiper's hair.

Carlos Zambrano strikes out and clubs catcher David Ross in the head with his bat. Okay, I'm kidding about the "clubbing of the head." But you didn't even flinch did you? You can imagine Carlos Zambrano doing something that crazy.

Soriano hits a ball that goes off of Edwin Encarnacion. DeRosa goes first to third. I'm telling you, this DeRosa character may be the best offseason signing by any team. Or not.

Murton stikes out again. Word out of Chicago is that everyone stopped the riots after Soriano got a hit. Now, apparently the car burning will begin. They are totally copying Detroit Pistons fans on the car burning thing. How dare they.

1:57 PM

I flip over to ESPN to check out the Yankees-Rays score. It's on a commercial break and guess which commercial it is? The "This Is Our Country" with John Cougar Mellencamp. This song will never freaking die will it? It tainted my World Series watching experience and it has survived through football season, basketball season, and it is still here. Please, die song. Die.

Anyway, Adam Dunn just hit another home run. 3-0 Reds. Zambrano is now plotting his murder. That bastard, Dunn.

3-0 after 3.

2:11 PM

We are now into the fourth and the Cubs are showing no fight. Apparently, people are flinging themselves into Lake Michigan at this point. Runners are on 1st and 2nd with one out. I'm smelling a double play ball.

By the way, this helps ease the pain of that poor performance by my Cards last night. I'm laughing heartily at this at.

No double play ball, but a pop out to Griffey. Now they've got DeRosa at 3-2. Prove me right, Mark. Bring home that MVP trophy right now.

Oh he walked! Bases loaded! Oh, but it's Cesar Izturis is up now. He of the 18 RBIs last year. And he popped it straight up. Lou Pinella looks like he's about ready to throw a base at Cesar's head.

I just flipped over to Comcast and saw that the White Sox are down to 11-3. Holy Hasselhoff. I did not expect that.

2:22 PM

They show a Cubs fan wearing a green shirt. Let me chat on this for a bit. As a diehard sports fan, I find this blasphemous. I'm not saying you can never wear a green Cubs shirt. I understand that teams where green on St. Pattys day. But to a game? Maybe it is the Cardinals fan in me, but am I alone on this? When I got to a game, I am wearing either a white or red shirt. Usually my Willie McGee jersey, which is a home white, is my shirt of choice. But occasionally I'll don a red championship shirt or something. If you are a diehard fan, there are two rules I think you should adhere by: 1) Wear only team colors to a game and 2) Never do the wave. The wave is mega-stupid.

Anyway, I'm coming down off of my soapbox. Carlos Zambrano tried to make like Rey Ordonez (there's a throwback, eh?) and make an offbalance, Gold Glove caliber throw. Instead, the ball barely reached first base and the trainer came out to make sure Z didn't throw his arm out of the socket. Apparently he didn't, but Zambrano kicked the trainer in the nuts and told him that only Big Z is allowed to touch his arm.

Reds lead 3-0 after 4.

2:30 PM

Oh wow. A tearjerker of a commercial. "Through the ups and downs, we still believe. A 'Season of Hope' for the Cubs begins now on WGN." Almost as good as the "This Is Our Country" commercial. Almost.

Big Z is up to the plate! Nobody on and he tries to bunt. Not that call I would have went with. Lucky he fouled it off. He ends up striking out. For being a guy who can crack 4-5 HRs he has an ugly swing. He looks like Rosie O'Donnell tripping over herself in the twinkie aisle.

Okay, that was uncalled for. Forgive me. Maybe I should have said John Madden in place of Rosie.

Regardless, Alfonso Soriano lines out to Adam Dunn in left. Bastard Dunn has struck again. He hasn't struck out yet today, and he's caught not one, but TWO balls in the outfield. I think we are witnessing history here.

Matt Murton decides he isn't going to strike out, so he whacks the ball....a total of thirty feet and gets an infield hit. 1-3 with two strikeouts and a thirty foot rocket that died on the infield grass. What an opening day.

Hey! The Cubs are on the board. Derek Lee lines one to Freel who dove and missed the ball. He knocked it down and as Murton turns to go to third, Freel just flings the ball without aim past Encarnacion at third and Murton scores. 3-1 is the score and apparently the hunt for Steve Bartman has been postponed. Cubs fans can't blame him for the loss just yet.

2:41 PM

Here comes Bastard Dunn to the plate. And he walks. Bob Brenley, analyst for WGN, says that Adam Dunn hasn't really done anything special. "The pitches were out over the plate where he could extend his hands and drive the ball." Of course they were. But don't slight Adam Dunn. That's all on your pitcher. You figure a pitcher would know what kind of power Dunn has, so a fastball that sails right down the middle of the plate isn't a good thing. Especially with a guy like Dunn who strikes out a lot. You can easily toy with him and sit him down on strikes. But you have to feed him more than fastballs. Bastard Dunn eats those for lunch.

Zambrano hits Brandon Phillips and there are runners on first and second, with no outs. Zambrano's pitch count is nearing 80, and they've got two guys up in the pen. Yup, that's ominous music you are hearing. Zambrano is about to go "American Psycho" on someone.

And there is a single driven between short and third. Bases loaded, but Encarnacion taps one to Ramirez at third who fires it home. Bases still loaded, one out. And Zambrano walks in a run! Here comes the hook. It has to come right? Oh wait, it is Larry Rothschild as the pitching coach. I forgot, he has yet to read "Pitching Coaching for Idiots." This guy has ruined more arms than a guy who teaches curve balls to 11 year olds. Just ask Kerry Wood and Mark Prior.

Sac fly and the score is now 5-1. The hunt for Bartman is on again. Apparently they've already caught the goat. That damn curse, I tell you. How dare it ruin the Opening Day of the Cubs' 2007 World Series season.

Z strikes out the final batter of the inning. 5-1, Cincy after 5.


2:55 PM

Are we really in the 6th? Wow, this game has flown by. I've been typing for almost two hours now. I'm only about 1/3 of the way through a normal Carlos Zambrano online conversation.

Wow, quick inning. Three up, three down. Ryan Freel made a diving catch to rob Michael Barrett. He avenged the crappy play he made last inning and was also attempting his best Jim Edmonds impression.

Bob Brenley then downplays it by saying, "He probably could have made that catch on his feet, but he played to the crowd and got his uni dirty." Yeah, he could have made that catch on his feet. If by "on his feet," you mean, "Not being able to reach it because he didn't dive, then watching as the ball bounces against the wall as Barrett scoots into second," then yeah, he totally could have made that play on his feet.

3:00 PM

Well, Zambrano's day is done. Neil Cotts is making his Cubs debut. And MVP candidate Mark DeRosa has been pulled in a double switch for Ryan Theriot. How can you do that to me Sweet Lou? I'm starting this "DeRosa for MVP" train and you pull him in the 6th? You are killing me!

I was about to type what a boring inning this is, but then Ryan Freel bangs a double off the wall. Should we just start calling the 6th inning, "The Inning of Freel?" I say so. The catch and now a double.

Bastard Dunn then pops up to Soriano. 2-3 with two homers, a walk, and a flyout. Not a bad day so far for Dunn. And the WGN announcers remind us that, "That was the first putout as a centerfielder for Alfonso Soriano." Please excuse me while the world stops and we soak in this moment.

And we're back. Popout to first and after 6 it is still 5-1, Reds.

3:06 PM

The Reds have cheerleaders? I guess you have to have something to get fans to come to games. If you are still reading this, I commend you for your effort. I am baffled by how much I have typed. Holy hell, kids.

Soriano pops up to end the inning. And Cubs fans have just given up at this point. They are ready to settle in for another 60 win season.

Boy, Cubs fans are going to hate me after this one, aren't they?

3:12 PM

I am running out of things to say. Maybe I should start making fun of the Reds now. It is hard though. It's just more of a hoot to knock the Cubs.

Ken Griffey, Jr. is up now. Cubs announcers point out that "Griffey hurt his hamstring badly playing right field. So it isn't like he won't get injured. The possibility is there."

Of course it is. Ken Griffey has explosives in his hamstrings, remember? They are liable to go off at any moment. That why Griffey doesn't have 800 home runs by now. My guess is that A-Rod put some sort of curse on him when they played in Seattle. He knew he could only catch Griffey on the home run list if Griffey got hurt all the time. Griffey got retalitation by sending A-Rod to the Yanks and making his life a living hell. Just a conspiracy theory, mind you. These facts have not been proven.

Time for a pitching change. Wurtz is coming in for Cotts. I wonder if any of the Bengals players are allowed to attend Reds' games. My guess is probably not since they'd probably show up and get arrested anyway.

Wurtz walks the first batter he faces and all Reds fans can do at this point is ask, "What is this baseball thing again? Who is replacing Troy Smith at QB this year?"

And Bob Brenley with this gem: "You know, these lights here at the Great American Ballpark look like toothbrushes from a distance. If you can put that in your mouth, go right ahead."

I'm just going to let that speak for itself. Apparently someone struck out and the inning is over. 5-1 Cincy, and we are through 7 innings.

3:30 PM

Murton strikes out to lead off the 8th. That's his third strikeout. Surprisingly enough, Adam Dunn isn't leading the league in strikeouts yet.

I had to step out for a bit, but when I came back in, Josh Hamilton stepped up to a plate. He is the former number one overall pick for the Devil Rays who had problems with drugs. He bounced around the minors and was suspended several times for his drug problems. He then had a crazy good Spring Training for the Reds, which took everyone by surprise. He steps up and lines one out to left but Matt Murton makes a diving grab to rob him. Murton, you are a dick. Just because you have struck out three times doesn't mean you need to rain on someone else's parade. The fans even gave him a standing ovation. How dare you, Matt Murton? How dare you?

THERE IT IS! Adam Dunn strikes out! They finally got him! And the 9th is upon us. Three more outs to go before the Cubs' perfect season ends.

3:44 PM

Michael Barrett pops out for the fourth time today. And here comes Creaky Cliff Floyd to the plate. He is making his Cubs debut today. And he pops up to short. Two down, one to go. Cesar Izturis is at the dish. And of course he has to crack a base hit. WGN shows a section of Reds fans wearing Ohio State shirts. Those crazy Reds fans.

And there's a grounder to short. Game over. Reds win 5-1; Final line for Chicago: 1 riot, 242 cars on fire, and 0 Murders by Carlos Zambrano. Reds end the game with 1 at bat by a heroin addict, 0 blown hamstrings by Griffey, and 37,000 Buckeyes fans pretending they like baseball.

Thanks a bunch for reading along. It has been fun. Hope you enjoyed it and I hope I'm still alive by tomorrow. The Cubs fans may start hunting me down. We'll catch you next time.

Ryan