I figured it would all lead up to this. The Washington Nationals have a team that looks like it will be historically bad. 40-140 1962 Mets bad? Nah, but I think a bunch of terrible pitching records are going down. LOOK OUT ANTHONY YOUNG!

2006 Season
Well, Nick Johnson managed to escape the horror, and broke his leg slamming into Kearns the magical strike out dragon. Soriano put up the first 40-40-40 (Hr's, SB's, 2b's) season. GM Jim Bowden, when not drinking and driving around town, demanded 47 cases of Grey Goose for him, and was turned down. So instead of 2 or 3 prospects for him, you get a Sandwich pick in between the first and second draft round, and the Cubs' second rounder, since their first rounder is protected because they suck. WAY TO GO. Somehow Bowden tore the Reds apart in a trade, but the bullpen was pretty much gutted.

Offseason:
Soriano went to the land of magical rainbows and is now playing CF for comedy value. Jose Gullien managed not to strange anyone, and left for Seattle, Frank Robinson was replaced with Manny Acta, and Jose Vidro was sent to prison. Or the Mariners, I can't tell.

Now:
Virtually all leaders in every major statistical category for the team last year are gone, pitching and hitting. Every busted prospect in the history of time was invited to spring training so actually trying to figure out this lineup is like trying to take Dimitri Young's liquor away. (Please don't hit me like your wife) Since everyone but Patterson is only theoretically in existence, they're all pitching on short rest during spring training, which will lead to hilarious effects right around September when all their arms are dead. Patterson was one of the loophole bonus money kids, along with temporary offensively crippled teammate Travis Lee. He can't stay healthy anyway, which is going to lead to the most hilarious pitching staff beyond five fly ball pitchers on the Rockies. I suppose a bunch of players are battling for positions like Snelling vs Church for LF, and Nook Logan vs the cat that lives in the outfield for who can post a higher OBP. At least the cat will take pitches.

Projected Things:
Lineup:
2B Felipe Lopez
SS Cristian Guzman (WHAT? Isn't this a high OBP contact spot?)
3B Ryan Zimmerman
RF Austin Kearns (KKKKKKKKK)
1B Dimitri Young (Nick Johnson whenever he un-breaks)
CF Alex Escobar (I seriously hope they aren't starting Logan)
C Brian Schneider
LF Ryan Church

Bench, I guess?
OF Nook Logan (Vomits uncontrollably)
OF Chris Snelling
IF/OF Josh Wilson
C Jesus Flores (Rule 5 via Mets)
RF/LF/1B/3B/C Robert Fick

Rotation:
RHP John Patterson
RHP Shawn Hill
RHP Jason Simontacchi
LHP Matt Chico (Never pitched higher than AA)
RHP Jason Bergmann, Levale Speigner, Joel Hanrahan, Tim Redding, Jerome Williams

Bullpen:
Cl RHP Chad Cordero (Soon to be a Red Sox anyways)
SU: Jon Rauch (Have fun closing once a month)
I have no clue who the hell is making the rest of this team.


2007 Outlook:
Basically the Phillies, Marlins, Braves, and Mets are going to be taking open batting practice sessions. The Nationals have a strike out heavy offense, that could score decently. My own suggestion is finding a rocket and shooting Christian Guzman into the sun. Possibly something is acquired for Cordero from a closer needing team, which can be considered the basic life structure that in a few million years will evolve into a pitcher. Other than that, I hope the cat from the outfield does well.

Projection:
I've seen a number of projections on the Nationals so far. They range from horrible to holocaust. I don't think they'll quite make it to holocaust, maybe just Rape of Nanking horrible. I believe it was Mike Scioscia who said you win 1/3rd of your games, and you lose 1/3rd of your games, it's the last 1/3rd that determines how you finish. Lets make them almost all loses then shall we? 54-108.

Good luck with history kids! Here's Youppi:

LES EXPOS, NEVAR FORGET

Labels: Terrible, Washington Nationals, Worst Team Ever