It would seem everyone else is doing season capsules on their favorite team. Being slightly retarded, and possibly drooling on myself right now, I have decided to instead review the horrible teams you wouldn't wish upon Hitler. If Hitler liked baseball. And he was alive. And not like in jail. And not taking it up the Nazi Strudel for cigarettes. I think you get the point now.

2007 Pittsburgh Pirates Season outlook (Stay away from lethal objects such as: toasters, loaded weapons, sharp objects, and DVD's of Sex in the City)

Out of 2006:
Well, they finished ahead of the Cubs, but that's kind of like beating your always cursed Dusty Baker pitching destroying little sister in baseball. Wait, that's exact ally it. It hasn't been a good decade since McGwire and Sosa made Hulk angry and Barry Bonds got all mad and turned green and went to San Francisco and smashing things. Freddy Sanchez somehow forgot that he was Freddy Sanchez and somehow lead the NL in batting average and doubles. The Pirates went 37-35 over the last portion of the 06 season to have their first winning record in any half of a season since 1992. Jason Bay needs help.

Off season moves:
Well, RF Xavier Nady possibly has an inflamed painful anus, but they somehow got rid of Oliver Perez's inflating ERA. So I guess that one is sort of even. Possibly because human sacrifice is not allowed in the Collective bargaining agreement, RP Dan Klob was not used as a sacrifice to clear out the vengeful ghosts of Sid Bream, he was instead signed to ruin their minor league prospects by osmosis. All-Star closer Mike Gonzalez was traded to the relief pitching desperate Braves for 1B Adam LaRoche. LaRoche finally stopped hitting like a girl last year, and showed really good power, also a Left handed power bat is something Jason Bay desperately needed before he is needed to take truckloads of Prozac. The trade seemingly is a good trade for both teams, assuming Laroche doesn't wake up wanting to wear a dress one day. Luis Matos was also signed, proving that he didn't die and just no one noticed. Yoslan Herrera from Cuba was signed and could help out in the rotation soon. Jose Hernadez was also signed for extra Strike out depth. I think. Also there's some pitcher who was traded for Pedro Martinez and Mike Stanley. Nothing much of note here, besides the funny inflamed anus.

Now:
Jeromy Burnitz retired, which is automatic improvement clearing RF for Inflamed Butt boy and stabilizing the outfield. The trade of Gonzalez leaves Salomón Torres as their closer by default. You may or may not recall him being clutch in high pressure situations, which a closer is in a lot I am told, such as giving up 3 runs in 3 1/2 innings to screw the 103 win Giants out of the playoffs in 1993 on the last day of the season. Who the hell wants Hudson Street when you can have that action? Herrera was sent down to AA recently, and should be recalled later in the year. 2B Jose Castillo is great at going into long slumps, so I'm guessing Sanchez once again plays ring around the infield, and prospect 3B Bautista gets into the lineup.

Projected line up:
1. Chris Duffy CF (Could be replaced if is OBP doesn't go up)
2. Jack Wilson SS
3. Freddy Sanchez 2B
4. Jason Bay LF
5. Adam LaRoche 1B
6. Inflamed Anus RF
7. Ronny Paulino C
8. Jose Bautista 3B

Bench:
OF Nate McLouth
2B José Castillo
1B/C Ryan Doumit
C Humberto Cota
IF Jose "Strikeout" Hernandez

Starters:
LHP Zach Duke
LHP Paul Maholm
RHP Ian Snell
LHP Tom Gorzelanny
RHP Tony Armas, RHP Shawn Chacón (No matter who wins, we all lose)

Closer:
RHP Salomón Torres (ANYTHING BUT DAN KOLB)

Bullpen:
LHP Dámaso Marté
RHP Matt Capps (Could close if Torres, is infact pitches like Torres)
RHP John Grabow
RHP Jonah Bayliss
RHP Josh Sharpless
And I suppose whoever loses the 5th starter battle, no I really don't know who any of these people are in the bullpen. All that matters is no DAN KLOB.

Help in the Minors:
-RHP Yoslan Herrera (Escaped Cuba, got trapped in Pittsburgh)
-MI Brian Bixler, is due up soon if the Pirates have any injuries or need another utility Infielder.
-A million busted pitching prospects, in case of Starting rotation failure, BREAK GLASS, FINISH IN LAST PLACE.

So, now you know your Pittsburgh Pirates. Not that you probably wanted to. Oh man, the Cubs spent how much? 300 Million. Shit. If we finish in last place and sign Roger Dorn can we move to Florida or something? Has someone done this already??? HELP ME RICK "WILD THING" VAUGHN.

Projection: Lets see, what to guess... How about 70-75 wins to avoid losing 100 games again? Maybe they can beat the Reds, if Mr. Velociraptor comes and eats Ken Griffey Jr. again. Hopefully they can improve on the worst scoring offense in baseball, and throw a bunch of pitchers against the wall and see what sticks. At least they'll be miles ahead of the Nationals. So, here is a picture of a seal:

~Mike

Labels: Pittsburgh Pirates, Terrible, YARRRR